DARK TO LIGHT

Although nothing can wash away the horror of the slaying of children and teachers in Connecticut, I find reminders like these quotes from Rumi comforting.  I believe they are the truth.

*

The wound is the place where the light enters you. 

*

The moon stays bright when it doesn't avoid the night.

*

The wailing of broken hearts is the doorway to God.

*

The cure for pain is in the pain.

*

Blessings to all who suffer.

Service of HOPE AND HEALING December 18th at Hope United Methodist Church.  Services are at 3:00pm and at 5:30pm.  This is a service for those for whom this season is one of sadness and loneliness--it's hard to be "out of sync" with the rest of the USA.  You are not alone.  Through readings, prayers, and music, we hope you find peace and comfort and hope and go from dark into light.  Christina Cortruvo will be playing her beautiful harp for each service.
301 W. St. Marie St.    Duluth, MN
218-724-2266  office@hopeumcmn.org
www.hopeumcduluth.org


Hope is grief's best music.  Anonymous

This is a better poster of the movie I just wrote about.

Yesterday we went to see "The Sessions," a most amazing movie.  It is based on the writings of  Mark O'Brien, who is a quadriplegic, and who wants to be able to have sexual intercourse at least once in his life.  Helen Hunt plays his sex surrogate therapist.  I'll say no more.  I laughed and also wept.  I think what touched me so deeply was his complete vulnerability.  In a way, he couldn't help being so vulnerable, given the fact that his muscles didn't work.  But, he remained open to life and allowed his true feelings to surface, and, almost in spite of himself, was filled with hope.

Oh that I can bow down and surrender to my life and allow myself to be as vulnerable.

ITCH

Generally one wants to be still while meditating, as this facilitates going deeper.  So, if you have an itch, don't scratch; you learn that it eventually goes away.  Same with those thoughts that keep running through our minds while meditating.   Don't scratch--just notice and let them move on through.  (Note:  reacting in some way to them would be the same as scratching them.)

Enjoy the practice!

Exciting Class

It's not too late to sign up for the exciting self-illumunating study of the yamas and niyamas, yoga's ethical guidelines for life--a life of integrity, joy, and freedom. Check the website at Yoga North Duluth.com for details and to register.  Our book is Deborah Adele's fabulous book on these guidelines--"The Yamas and Niyamas: Exploring Yoga's Ethical Practice"--and the class is taught by yours truly.

The first class is October 28th and will be held on the 3rd Sunday of each month following through May from 6:30 - 8:00 pm.  

I would love to have you join our study!

KARMA YOGA

The other day, I was feeling pressured to "get all of the things/tasks done before I had to leave the house.  My spouse has been somewhat under the weather, so that added to my list.  I could feel me "gripping" in my body.  Thinking that would not do, plus it wasn't any fun, I decided to practice "Karma yoga."  Everything I did, and was going to do, was in service--to my spouse, to others, to humanity.  What a lovely switch I experienced!  Peaceful, even joyful.  Every time I felt myself tightening, I just remembered to breathe and that I was doing karma yoga.  My tasks were accomplished easily and peacefully.

Trust

I've been thinking about ways to deal with unpleasant things in my life.  Just naming them "unpleasant" reveals my attachments to not wanting them at all.  Some of my Parkinson's symptoms are very unpleasant and even painful and do affect my life.  Luckily, they seem to come and go.  Lately, we've also had some real worries about certain family members, fearing for them.

Turning to my yogic philosophy--everything is good and perfect--which is not always easy for me to  believe, I am experimenting with a new practice.  When I am confronted with pain, unpleasantness, fears and worries, I thank God.  Here's how it might go:  "Thank you God for my (specific symptom here) Parkinson's Disease.  I don't know what good will come from it, but I thank you; I trust you God."  Or, "Thank you God for (name here) problems (state specific problems).  I don't know what good will come from it for (that person), but I thank you and I trust you God."

Whatever concerns me doesn't go away, but I am lifted and eased in a small way, and more open to what is.

"HEART-BURN"

While meditating, I experienced heartburn.  "Heart burn" is an apt name, as it was at my heart center.  As I breathed into it, I wondered when in my life I may have experienced pain that burned a place in my heart.  I recalled the extreme, and extremely painful, bitterness I felt in my heart after our little Karen died.  That bitterness was so hard to bear, it had such a grip on me, I couldn't let go of it.  (Or I had such a grip on it?)  Did I "burn" a hole of bitterness into my heart?  I was released from that pain--instantaneously-- through prayer.  But the effects may linger.  

I can welcome my "heart-burn" as a painful, but truthful, reminder of such a momentous time in my life.  I can feel deep compassion for me and for that wound in my heart.  It reminds me of the immense and overwhelming pain I felt, as well as the beautiful and grace-filled healing I experienced.

Now, for more grace ~

WE ARE ONE

Something like the Aurora, CO killings is so hard to talk about.  Really, what can one say?  What can one say to those who lost treasured members of their families, dear friends, or who were injured themselves?  What about those who were, and are,traumatized by this inexplainable and horrible event?

We lost a baby who lived for 2 weeks, and that was so hard to bear at the time.  Now I think of her birth and death in a totally different light, but I couldn't do that then.  

Yet I am comforted by remembering that we are all one--EVERYTHING is God/Supreme Consciousness.  The image that mosts comforts me is the one of the vast ocean--water as far as one can see and as deep as one can imagine.  We are drops of water, and when we fall into that ocean, we merge completely, our individuality disappears, and we are one with all that is holy.  

May those who are suffering from this horrible event, eventually find comfort in family and friends, and

faith in remembering their loved ones live on in the oneness of all, as we are part of that same oneness.  

Blessings and Love.

Flash

As I was meditating yesterday morning, my mouth and toe were moving slightly and involuntarily due to Parkinson's.  Then deep in my heart I had a flash--I am God, and I am Love, no matter what is happening on the outside.  I have "known" this for a long time, but in this moment I experienced it!

"Ahhhhhh"

"Take a deep and full breath and say Ahhhhh as loud and as long as you can."  (From a speech therapist)

Yesterday I participated in an all-day evaluation for Parkinson's disease at the Struthers Parkinson Disease Center in Golden Valley, MN.  It was  immensely informative, overwhelming, and a long day.  I saw a neurologist, OT, PT, speech therapist, social worker, and nurse.

In Parkinson's, there is no longer enough dopamine in the brain to send messages to the muscles so they can do what they're supposed to do.  This causes restriction, and  movements are smaller.  The disease is incurable and progressive, and one's individual journey is unknown.  But there are lots of things one can keep doing to try and stay as mobile and healthy as long as possible, including making Big movements and Big sounds.
 
It is easy to live in fear.  I just read a wonderful book, "Chants of a Lifetime" by Krishna Das, who has been called, "the chant master of American yoga."  I was moved by many things he said, as he described his not-so-easy journey into more ease and surrender.  "...to be submersed in the Loving Presence is called surrender...it happens as we ripen in love...a place free from fear or expectation." (p. 170)  We don't need to hold on to love, because love is everywhere--within and without--we are that love.

Can I remember these simple, but profound truths as I journey on?

Farewell to Yogiraj Achala, Spiritual Teacher

This is a picture of Yogiraj Achala (nee Charles Bates), who left his body unexpectedly on June 18th, 2012.  He was a spiritual teacher in the Hatha Yoga tradition, to me and to many, many others--some who had studied devotedly with him for over 30 years.  Yogiraj had studied with Swami Rama, who brought Hatha Yoga to the West from India.  I had the lovely privilege of being a student of Yogiraj's, attending workshops at the Yoga North Duluth studio, as well as a couple of silence retreats.  Yogiraj was a brilliant man, who explored and expanded for our western minds the concepts of Hatha yoga.  He taught me so much about yogic philosophy and about meditation.  His presence for me was as an amazing spiritual teacher, and a gentle man, who provided a crucible for my growth.

I had the amazing good fortune to attend the ancient Vedic ritual that proceeded his cremation this Saturday in Minneapolis, MN.  The Vedic priest chanted and guided us as Yogiraj's sons covered him with herbs, and ghee, and incense, and fragrant woods, and I'm not sure what else, preparing his body for cremation.  He invited us all to use this moment to forgive Yogiraj, or for us to forgive ourselves, and let it all go, so that we were free to let Yogiraj go, and Yogiraj was free to speed to his next and "joyous" transition.  When these offerings were complete, insuring that Yogiraj had everything he needed (and acknowledging that he loved good food), the priest instructed us in our chants as his sons opened the door to the crematorium and his coffin was guided into the fires.

Later in the afternoon, we attended his memorial service--a service of many colors and many faiths (including a Tibetan monk, an Imam, a Jewish man, the Vedic priest, Christian evangelicals).  There were many speakers, family and others, sharing their love and connection with Yogiraj.  Many members of his amazing family, sang and played instruments.  It was a wondrous occasion.  Vv, his wife, was so loving and gracious, and even nurturing to all who were there.

We adjourned to enjoy the amazingly delicious vegan food in the fellowship of the church, The First Unitarian Universalist Church.  It was a long and momentous day.

I thank you Yogiraj for being my beautiful teacher.  The first time I met you, was the first time I meditated when my mind never wandered from my mantra--not even once.  I know that was because of your amazing ability to hold the space.  I look forward to meeting you in a new way in my life and meditations.  All my love to you, Yogiraj.

(The picture above was the one on his memorial service bulletin.

BIRTHDAYS AND BIKING

Happy Birthday to me!  Today I'm 77--it's a big deal.  I just returned from biking--OK, triking.  I hurried home because I didn't want to get hit by lightning, so it wasn't as long a ride as I had hoped.  I have a tradition of celebrating my birthday with an early morning bike ride.

I laughed this morning as I remembered going over my handle bars (regular bike) on my 65th-birthday-early-morning-ride on the Lake Walk.  For some reason I held onto my handle bars, so that miraculously, I didn't go flying.  After I rested for a moment and saw that I was all right, I got back on my bike and biked home to our home that was then on Park Point.  I did say, "I bet I'm the only person in the world who went over her handle bars today on her 65th birthday!"

Many birthdays, we biked up the shore from Brighton Beach and had lunch at the New Scenic Cafe, a favorite ride (and food stop) for me.

I am lucky to be able to bike, now trike, and to have such a beautiful city to bike in, all close to where I live.

Fly the flag today--it is Flag Day as well.  I give thanks for my sweet life.

Testing Preoccupations

It's been so long since I have written in my blog.  My life has been taken up with dealing with health issues.  Nothing serious, but still lots of tests and evaluations--for both Lauren, my husband and me.  Somehow I became preoccupied with them and their results, so that I didn't feel I had room for "other" in my daily life.  I am getting a better feeling for older people whose lives are filled with health issues.

I know, I'm old already, but most of the time I don't feel old like "them."  Mmmm...what happened to "We are all one?"

I have also traveled--once to Seattle and once to Berkley, and had company for the weekend.  Plus, I was able to purchase and then plant my pots, which look so lovely--that is such a satisfying activity!  So I have been busy.

I have another teeny test later this morning.  I would like to do better at joyously living in each moment--tests and all!  No sense in getting worried without something definite to worry about.

MICROSCOPIC LEANINGS

Musings while meditating.                       

 I have been diagnosed with microscopic colitis--microscopic meaning it can only be "seen" in a biopsy.  So tiny, and yet it can wreak havoc with one's digestive system, which in turn  influences what one does and doesn't do--the domino effect ripples throughout one's life.  I thought this is a metaphor for life as well.

What microscopic habits or samskaras ripple throughout my life, infecting my whole system?  I notice how I ever so slightly lean in toward something, or minutely lean away from something I wish to avoid.  I am barely leaning into my breath, but that ripples throughout my nervous system and my muscles in tiny waves--each one influencing the next, eventually influencing the whole.  Those teeny tiny leans take me off center, away from the perfect now.  

Everything makes a difference.

Sankalpa

I have been practicing Yoga Nidra--the deep relaxation meditation.  I listen to CD's and let them guide me in my meditation.  In one of them, we state our Sankalpa, or intention for our life.  I have had two: "I live without fear."  And "I am open to my life."  Whatever our Sankalpa is, as we state it, we know that we have already achieved it, and that it is absolutely true!

On another note, I've been trying to figure out how to write about issues that are normally private and yet also say something.  I have been dealing with a health problem which won't go away.  I tried everything I could on my own, and nothing seemed to be effective.  I found myself being very ATTACHED to not having this affliction.  I was also very ATTACHED to doing it on my own.  This attachment was a powerful force in my psyche--actually dragging me down.

Then I remembered my Sankalpas:  "I live without fear," and "I am open to my life."  And yes, they are true.  What does this health issue have to teach me?  Tomorrow I am going to see a doctor about it.  Yet, even that decision came from a freedom to be open and not have to continue resisting seeing a doctor, because of a past experience.  I am without fear and open to my life.  How freeing!

Church Thieves

I attend Hope United Methodist church, and we've been collecting food bags for CHUM (Churches United in Ministry) the entire month of March, as anything given in March is matched by a grant.  Those bringing in their bags of food items put them in a big canoe just inside the door of the church.  The canoe was nearly full.  (We had a very successful food drive for CHUM last year doing this.)  This weekend someone came into our church--while the pastor was there--and stole all of the bags out of the canoe.  We assume they are the same people who had come in earlier asking for gas cards, which we keep on hand to give out, and who then asked for some of the bags of food.  We gave them 4 bags of food.

I felt sick when I heard what had happened.  It is especially difficult because we are nearing the end of March, the time when all contributions are matched, thereby insuring that CHUM gets even more of what it needs to serve those who are without in our community.  I also felt really angry.  I found it very hard to let go of my anger and to be able to pray for those people who snuck in and took all of the collected food.

I struggled to put them in the light and to remember that we are all one, that we are all God; my anger was getting in the way.  Then I reminded myself that these thieves are already God, they just don't remember who they are, and that, whether or not I can get to this place of serenity has no effect on their holy status.  Then I was able to surrender and let go ~ I could pray for them, remembering our oneness.  I hope they feel the light coming their way.

I do think they are building up quite negative karma for themselves, however.

Uninvited Guest

Uninvited Guest

It was a surprise ~ 

No one invited this guest,

and yet she snuck in.

Lurking in the shadows,

she became a real nuisance

and tried to take charge.

So I asked her to

come in and draw up a chair

and join me for tea!

Journey Continued

On Monday I attended the Parkinson's Disease Support Group for the first time.  There were 2 people there from the Struther's Parkinson's Clinic in Minneapolis, MN, to answer questions and discern the needs of people in this area.

The room was packed with those with PD and their spouses/caregivers.  There were people there in all stages of PD.  It was sobering for me and somewhat scary.

I also found myself filled with compassion and admiration for the beautiful courage that it can take to live fully with this disease.  Bravo!

MY JOURNEY BEGINS

This journey with Parkinson's Disease is going to be an interesting one.  Who knows where it will take me?  I still "know" in my deepest self that it is Grace that brings me to this place.  I "know" it brings untold opportunities.  AND YET...!

My daily journey is much more difficult to navigate at times. When new symptoms pop up, new feelings arise--fear, sadness--I am temporarily destabilized.

What should I do?  Nothing, increase meds, decrease meds, exercise more, call the doctor (which in my case is a nurse practitioner)?  I know my feelings come from wanting things to stay the same--I am attached to not getting worse.  I am attached to the myth that doing all the "right things" will prevent my disease from progressing.

So, once again, I notice with compassion, and then haul myself back to the center--to being peacefully where I am right now.  Truthfully, I'm attached to remaining peacefully in the center, and so it goes.

Journaling helps me deal with and understand my life--it helps me be more creative in dealing with my life as it unfolds, so I will write more about my journey with Parkinson's Disease over time.

"Unfair Anti-Racism Campaign

Our mayor, Don Ness, is receiving threats and hate mail.  It's all because he is supporting the Unfair Anti-Racism Campaign that has begun in Duluth.  It alerts those of us who are white to be aware of times we might be subtlety "racist" and enjoying our white privilege in some way, perhaps even unconsciously.  Apparently those who are complaining are doing so because they feel they are being called "racist," which they say is being racist.

Even though I consider myself open to all races, I know in my heart that I can unconsciously ignore the "white privilege" that is the default position of communities like mine, in which the majority are white.  I remember becoming aware of how heterosexuals occupy the default position over homosexuals.  I know I don't always even notice when I am assuming my default thinking.

I think to ignore the possibility that we all can be racist in some way, is to ignore our shadow sides (those parts of us that are unknown or unwelcome).  When that happens, those parts of us show up when we least expect it (or want it).

Instead of feeling threatened by the Unfair Anti-Racist Campaign, why don't we all open up to the possibility that we could be and then strive to notice those times and then be open and welcoming to all?

A much lovelier and saner world, I think.

GRACE

Even though I'm not "officially" diagnosed with early Parkinson's Disease, I'm pretty sure that's what I am experiencing, and it's got me to thinking.  I have more than PD going on in my body, and it's confusing to discern one's best and truest path.  For a while my mind was in a spin and I felt very confused.  I spoke with my yoga guru, Deborah Adele, who suggested I look at this new event in my life as an "Initiation."  I felt an instant shift in my psyche--opening to possibility.  Initiation into what?  Into a new and glorious opening into freedom (freedom from fear, from attachments, from expectations).  I think it would mean being in the precise instant of every now as it unfolds--resting in the now.

My Spirit Group to which I belong is reading Richard Rohr's "Everything Belongs."  He also speaks of living in the present, and emphasizes living in the opposites--good/evil, easy/hard, pleasant/unpleasant "everything belongs!"  We need to go into, and to experience the void--that dark place.  I received a stunning revelation:  the dark and void is Grace, just as happiness is Grace.  My probable diagnosis of PD and all that may mean for my future is Grace.  IT IS ALL GRACE!