MICROSCOPIC LEANINGS

Musings while meditating.                       

 I have been diagnosed with microscopic colitis--microscopic meaning it can only be "seen" in a biopsy.  So tiny, and yet it can wreak havoc with one's digestive system, which in turn  influences what one does and doesn't do--the domino effect ripples throughout one's life.  I thought this is a metaphor for life as well.

What microscopic habits or samskaras ripple throughout my life, infecting my whole system?  I notice how I ever so slightly lean in toward something, or minutely lean away from something I wish to avoid.  I am barely leaning into my breath, but that ripples throughout my nervous system and my muscles in tiny waves--each one influencing the next, eventually influencing the whole.  Those teeny tiny leans take me off center, away from the perfect now.  

Everything makes a difference.

Sankalpa

I have been practicing Yoga Nidra--the deep relaxation meditation.  I listen to CD's and let them guide me in my meditation.  In one of them, we state our Sankalpa, or intention for our life.  I have had two: "I live without fear."  And "I am open to my life."  Whatever our Sankalpa is, as we state it, we know that we have already achieved it, and that it is absolutely true!

On another note, I've been trying to figure out how to write about issues that are normally private and yet also say something.  I have been dealing with a health problem which won't go away.  I tried everything I could on my own, and nothing seemed to be effective.  I found myself being very ATTACHED to not having this affliction.  I was also very ATTACHED to doing it on my own.  This attachment was a powerful force in my psyche--actually dragging me down.

Then I remembered my Sankalpas:  "I live without fear," and "I am open to my life."  And yes, they are true.  What does this health issue have to teach me?  Tomorrow I am going to see a doctor about it.  Yet, even that decision came from a freedom to be open and not have to continue resisting seeing a doctor, because of a past experience.  I am without fear and open to my life.  How freeing!

Church Thieves

I attend Hope United Methodist church, and we've been collecting food bags for CHUM (Churches United in Ministry) the entire month of March, as anything given in March is matched by a grant.  Those bringing in their bags of food items put them in a big canoe just inside the door of the church.  The canoe was nearly full.  (We had a very successful food drive for CHUM last year doing this.)  This weekend someone came into our church--while the pastor was there--and stole all of the bags out of the canoe.  We assume they are the same people who had come in earlier asking for gas cards, which we keep on hand to give out, and who then asked for some of the bags of food.  We gave them 4 bags of food.

I felt sick when I heard what had happened.  It is especially difficult because we are nearing the end of March, the time when all contributions are matched, thereby insuring that CHUM gets even more of what it needs to serve those who are without in our community.  I also felt really angry.  I found it very hard to let go of my anger and to be able to pray for those people who snuck in and took all of the collected food.

I struggled to put them in the light and to remember that we are all one, that we are all God; my anger was getting in the way.  Then I reminded myself that these thieves are already God, they just don't remember who they are, and that, whether or not I can get to this place of serenity has no effect on their holy status.  Then I was able to surrender and let go ~ I could pray for them, remembering our oneness.  I hope they feel the light coming their way.

I do think they are building up quite negative karma for themselves, however.

Uninvited Guest

Uninvited Guest

It was a surprise ~ 

No one invited this guest,

and yet she snuck in.

Lurking in the shadows,

she became a real nuisance

and tried to take charge.

So I asked her to

come in and draw up a chair

and join me for tea!

Journey Continued

On Monday I attended the Parkinson's Disease Support Group for the first time.  There were 2 people there from the Struther's Parkinson's Clinic in Minneapolis, MN, to answer questions and discern the needs of people in this area.

The room was packed with those with PD and their spouses/caregivers.  There were people there in all stages of PD.  It was sobering for me and somewhat scary.

I also found myself filled with compassion and admiration for the beautiful courage that it can take to live fully with this disease.  Bravo!

MY JOURNEY BEGINS

This journey with Parkinson's Disease is going to be an interesting one.  Who knows where it will take me?  I still "know" in my deepest self that it is Grace that brings me to this place.  I "know" it brings untold opportunities.  AND YET...!

My daily journey is much more difficult to navigate at times. When new symptoms pop up, new feelings arise--fear, sadness--I am temporarily destabilized.

What should I do?  Nothing, increase meds, decrease meds, exercise more, call the doctor (which in my case is a nurse practitioner)?  I know my feelings come from wanting things to stay the same--I am attached to not getting worse.  I am attached to the myth that doing all the "right things" will prevent my disease from progressing.

So, once again, I notice with compassion, and then haul myself back to the center--to being peacefully where I am right now.  Truthfully, I'm attached to remaining peacefully in the center, and so it goes.

Journaling helps me deal with and understand my life--it helps me be more creative in dealing with my life as it unfolds, so I will write more about my journey with Parkinson's Disease over time.

"Unfair Anti-Racism Campaign

Our mayor, Don Ness, is receiving threats and hate mail.  It's all because he is supporting the Unfair Anti-Racism Campaign that has begun in Duluth.  It alerts those of us who are white to be aware of times we might be subtlety "racist" and enjoying our white privilege in some way, perhaps even unconsciously.  Apparently those who are complaining are doing so because they feel they are being called "racist," which they say is being racist.

Even though I consider myself open to all races, I know in my heart that I can unconsciously ignore the "white privilege" that is the default position of communities like mine, in which the majority are white.  I remember becoming aware of how heterosexuals occupy the default position over homosexuals.  I know I don't always even notice when I am assuming my default thinking.

I think to ignore the possibility that we all can be racist in some way, is to ignore our shadow sides (those parts of us that are unknown or unwelcome).  When that happens, those parts of us show up when we least expect it (or want it).

Instead of feeling threatened by the Unfair Anti-Racist Campaign, why don't we all open up to the possibility that we could be and then strive to notice those times and then be open and welcoming to all?

A much lovelier and saner world, I think.