My last post was about my pilgrimage to India, and my thoughts about my fall while there. The fall, and what it could teach me, remained in my thoughts. I learned it touched a deep place within me--a place I thought was no longer there.
Deborah Adele, my guru, called those deep, dark places "crud bubbles," and I totally agree! I tell my clients, even reassure them, that "our stuff is our stuff," or, more crudely put, "our shit is our shit." If we think we'll be forever finished, we're kidding ourselves. Here's how my crud bubble came to light.
While in India, I was conscious of my age and also my Parkinson's. I wanted to demonstrate that I was fit and that I could keep up with the others. I am fit, and I do have some limitations. There were times when I joyously overcompensated, which can lead me to not look where I'm going. (Not to mention that trifocal glasses also interfere with seeing where I'm going.) But those times can lead to a fall. I learned that the overcompensation was coming from a dark place in my chitta brain (or unconscious brain).
Deborah and others had taken over the job of working with my travel insurance company to plan my trip home, as I now required reclining seats, a wheel chair, and extra help with luggage and getting around. I asked Deborah if she thought I was "incompetent," as I felt the fact that others were doing the planning, meant that they thought I was incapable of doing so. Of course, that is not what they thought. Still, I felt "less-than" in some way. I journaled and tried to get to the bottom of things. Then, while meditating one day, the word "INCOMPETENT" popped into my mind and remained, resonating strongly--I had touched on the real issue--it had been hiding in plain sight. I was PROJECTING onto Deborah and the others my own shadow that had been lurking deep within me. Shadow sides are usually not comfortable, and we'd rather not know of them. Not knowing forces the shadow to pop up in an untimely way--such as my fall, which took me out of comission the last week I spent in India. It's like a slap on the head. Wake up! Look! Know! Now you have to deal with its fallout. Better to learn of its origin.
It would have felt shameful, if it hadn't also been so funny. Live and learn. Thank you meditation.
