One of the interesting things that happens to me on a silence retreat--where there are no distractions--is that I fully 'bump into myself.' There is no hiding. All of my behaviors that tend to keep me from living as skillfully and purely as I can are there for me to witness. (They're always present, it's just that I can ignore them.) I continued to whisper to myself in spite my attempts at silence. I realized I had expectations of how I thought things should go. I struggled with sitting in stillness at the fire--my back hurt, my legs and knees hurt. Do I tough it out and stay, reminding myself that I'm not my body, or do I move (as quietly as I can) to make myself more comfortable? I finally got mad, and said to myself, "I surrender!" "I will do it my way!" I had been trying hard to do it
right--and old good girl pattern of mine. I made this commitment:
To walk ~ trust ~ my own path to Self. This changed everything, and I relaxed into the silence retreat. I am including some of my "restive" haiku.
Voices in my head,
Fiery anger boils within.
Stop! Find your own path!
Hurting and struggling,
Busy in body and mind ~
No space left for me.
Bumbling and stumbling,
Lessons clutter my journey ~
If I will listen.
Sages await ~ for
me to surrender my mind
and unlock my heart.
01/09/2011
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