Journey Continued

On Monday I attended the Parkinson's Disease Support Group for the first time.  There were 2 people there from the Struther's Parkinson's Clinic in Minneapolis, MN, to answer questions and discern the needs of people in this area.

The room was packed with those with PD and their spouses/caregivers.  There were people there in all stages of PD.  It was sobering for me and somewhat scary.

I also found myself filled with compassion and admiration for the beautiful courage that it can take to live fully with this disease.  Bravo!

MY JOURNEY BEGINS

This journey with Parkinson's Disease is going to be an interesting one.  Who knows where it will take me?  I still "know" in my deepest self that it is Grace that brings me to this place.  I "know" it brings untold opportunities.  AND YET...!

My daily journey is much more difficult to navigate at times. When new symptoms pop up, new feelings arise--fear, sadness--I am temporarily destabilized.

What should I do?  Nothing, increase meds, decrease meds, exercise more, call the doctor (which in my case is a nurse practitioner)?  I know my feelings come from wanting things to stay the same--I am attached to not getting worse.  I am attached to the myth that doing all the "right things" will prevent my disease from progressing.

So, once again, I notice with compassion, and then haul myself back to the center--to being peacefully where I am right now.  Truthfully, I'm attached to remaining peacefully in the center, and so it goes.

Journaling helps me deal with and understand my life--it helps me be more creative in dealing with my life as it unfolds, so I will write more about my journey with Parkinson's Disease over time.

"Unfair Anti-Racism Campaign

Our mayor, Don Ness, is receiving threats and hate mail.  It's all because he is supporting the Unfair Anti-Racism Campaign that has begun in Duluth.  It alerts those of us who are white to be aware of times we might be subtlety "racist" and enjoying our white privilege in some way, perhaps even unconsciously.  Apparently those who are complaining are doing so because they feel they are being called "racist," which they say is being racist.

Even though I consider myself open to all races, I know in my heart that I can unconsciously ignore the "white privilege" that is the default position of communities like mine, in which the majority are white.  I remember becoming aware of how heterosexuals occupy the default position over homosexuals.  I know I don't always even notice when I am assuming my default thinking.

I think to ignore the possibility that we all can be racist in some way, is to ignore our shadow sides (those parts of us that are unknown or unwelcome).  When that happens, those parts of us show up when we least expect it (or want it).

Instead of feeling threatened by the Unfair Anti-Racist Campaign, why don't we all open up to the possibility that we could be and then strive to notice those times and then be open and welcoming to all?

A much lovelier and saner world, I think.

GRACE

Even though I'm not "officially" diagnosed with early Parkinson's Disease, I'm pretty sure that's what I am experiencing, and it's got me to thinking.  I have more than PD going on in my body, and it's confusing to discern one's best and truest path.  For a while my mind was in a spin and I felt very confused.  I spoke with my yoga guru, Deborah Adele, who suggested I look at this new event in my life as an "Initiation."  I felt an instant shift in my psyche--opening to possibility.  Initiation into what?  Into a new and glorious opening into freedom (freedom from fear, from attachments, from expectations).  I think it would mean being in the precise instant of every now as it unfolds--resting in the now.

My Spirit Group to which I belong is reading Richard Rohr's "Everything Belongs."  He also speaks of living in the present, and emphasizes living in the opposites--good/evil, easy/hard, pleasant/unpleasant "everything belongs!"  We need to go into, and to experience the void--that dark place.  I received a stunning revelation:  the dark and void is Grace, just as happiness is Grace.  My probable diagnosis of PD and all that may mean for my future is Grace.  IT IS ALL GRACE!

Swami Satchidananda

Wise words from Swami Satchidananda from Integral Yoga magazine Learn lessons from the ups and downs in life. You need failures; otherwise, you won’t have stepping stones to go up. Nobody has ever gone up without failures. It’s just natural. The more intense you are in the spiritual field, the greater the tests that will come. If you read the life stories of sages and saints and great devotees, nobody was spared from that. Don’t think that you will be always praised. But, if you know that this process is natural, you won’t get disturbed over it. On the other hand, you’ll know that you’re growing. The tests, themselves, are proof that you’re on the right path and that you’re being tested. Don’t get disheartened by that.” “God bless you. Om Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi.”

Loving Arms

Yesterday I received a tentative diagnosis of early Parkinson's.  I found myself feeling pretty weepy and didn't get anything done, although this possibility is not a surprise to me.  This morning I awakened and went right to our "yoga" room and did my usual morning practice.  This is asana, with lots of somatics these days, pranayama and meditation.  It felt so good and comforting.  I felt wrapped in the loving arms of the Universe.  All is good.

Thanksgiving Turn Around

I hate to admit it, but I can get myself tense during the preparations for holidays like the Thanksgiving we just had.  This year I found something that quickly changed my automatic reaction.

Our son and daughter-in-law and their adorable 4y old Luli, our youngest grandchild, were here from Seattle.  We had the rest of the family here, including girlfriends of grandsons (that's a new one for us).  The two days before Thanksgiving, I was busy preparing food for our visiting kids and for the holiday.  We also made the beds, etc--you know how it goes.

I found myself getting uptight, and then wanting to be angry with Lauren, my hubby, projecting my tenseness out onto him.  Not very nice.  But, I caught this soon-to-be negative behavior, and said (to myself), "I don't want to be like that!"  And I instantly softened and open up--and knew things would work out no matter what--of course.

The result was this turn around lasted throughout the holidays, and I had a much happier and more peaceful holiday and time with our visiting families.  I'm sure they did too.  It was lovely.